_It's cold out there, wild and wintery. Come inside - I'll take your coat - and sit down beside me...

It's the time of year for Togetherness - the kind of Togetherness that wraps up warm against the biting wind and walks hand in hand down festive streets. It's the Togetherness that sits in front of a roaring fire as daylight fades, the Togetherness that cradles a glass of wine, that talks late into the evening, well-fed, comfortable and safe.

_Friendships are reignited around the scarred wooden tables of cosy pubs or during dance floor medleys of happy tracks with lyrics we know from years ago. Impassioned and emboldened by seasonal spirit, new lovers disappear into dark corners. Some time later, they emerge, blinking, into office spaces, flushed with embarrassment or potential. They follow the desire for Togetherness where it leads them, for better or worse.

The year is winding down to its logical conclusion. Winding through it, through the extended TV commercials, Christmas movies and neon-lit, alcohol-fuelled merrymaking, are the signs that perhaps, in spite of all that's been, we might still allow ourselves the luxury of looking forward to what may come. There is the possibility of joy, love, pleasure, light. We might allow a sense of optimism to float to the surface as one year closes, another opens, endings and beginnings, the chance of a fresh start...

So if you have even the smallest stirrings of optimism in this prelude to Christmas, throw fuel on that fragile little flame and blaze it up into an inferno for 2012. And let some of that fuel be the idea of Togetherness - because it should be for life not just for Christmas.

And this isn't the snow white, rom-com landscape of happy movie endings. This Togetherness is much, much more than one plus one. It's about connection, unity, leaning in and listening closely, sharing a desire to create something bigger and better than all that's gone before - and to do it in every area of your life.

It means working together, collaborating, supporting each other, being an advocate, showing respect and sharing wisdom and experience with those who can truly benefit from it. It's about a sense of belonging and recognising the value of the position you hold in your many networks of friends, family and associates.

Going it alone can be tough - Togetherness means you don't have to. You can talk things through, open up, be honest about what you need and want - and let those who love you know how they can help, because they will if you tell them how. It's about allowing yourself to be held and being willing to do the same.

OK, so perhaps the season has softened my horizons a little, perhaps I still feel huge amounts of childlike pleasure at the sight of a beautifully decorated Christmas tree and perhaps, right now, I'm happy in the warm, listening to the rain outside and writing this blog for you - but I'm sure that Togetherness isn't a bad idea. I'm sure it has potential. I'm sure we all do.

_I'm sorry to have to break it to you, but the things you say probably don't matter very much.

Now, if you find it difficult to put things into words or suffer from an ongoing case of 'foot in mouth' disease, this may come as a bit of a relief. If you think I'm just being rude, read on... I promise, I'm not that kind of girl.

What I'm getting at is that, according to Gregory Bateson, the English anthropologist, social scientist and linguist, about 92% of communication is non-verbal – which means that in spite of the fact we place so much importance on the spoken word, what comes out of our mouth is only a very small part of the story.

_From dating to business, understanding body language is one of those not-so-secret weapons that allow us to make a call on what someone is thinking or feeling. We read the outward signs to know about the internal state - for example, arms folded may suggest defensiveness, finger tapping may be an indication of agitation or impatience and so on.

Body language is also something we know we can consciously manipulate to have an impact on someone else, for example by subtly mirroring their posture to establish rapport or using particular gestures while public speaking to enhance and add power and validity to our words.

But how often do you use your own body language as a way of understanding and managing yourself more effectively?

Your body will tell you what really matters
Emotions aren't thought processes. They come from the body. We don't decide to feel threatened, ecstatic or full of rage - they're spontaneous responses felt first, analysed second. In fact, from hot flushes of embarrassment to body-shaking anger to waves of deepest desire, feelings often spring up quite unexpectedly and take us by surprise.

Notice when these strong emotions arise. They are likely to appear at times when your key values and beliefs are being threatened or called into play. Consequently, emotions can indicate what's running you, what really matters.

It's beliefs and values that shape your decision-making, the way you communicate and how you live your life. Once you recognise what they are, you can decide whether they help or hinder you.

What rocks your world or rocks the boat?
We're often told to focus on a goal in order to find success – but how do you know if that goal is the right one?

Give yourself some space, think about that option, visualise it, hear, taste and breathe in the moment of achievement and if you feel your body light up from the inside out, feel heat in your chest or a quickening heart beat, you're probably on the right track.

By paying more attention to your internal physical state, you'll get some big clues as to what you need to do to get happy.

Next time you feel a strong negative emotion – sadness or anger for example – rather than hoping it will go away or trying to ignore it, take a moment to locate it in your body. You may be aware of heat in your chest or butterflies or mild sickness in the stomach. Focus on that part of the body. Be aware of the sensations and see what they tell you about those feelings. Chances are, you'll gain some clarity about the situation and feel calmer and more in control too. The body likes to be listened to.

Are you in a right state or a wrong state?
You've got a demanding day ahead of you. Would you rather be calm and centred or stressed and agitated? A simple question just to remind you that you do have the choice.

Get to know the signals in your body that tell you when you're not in your most productive or comfortable state. Focus on yourself for a minute and you might notice that your breathing is particularly shallow, there's a tightness in your chest or you just don't 'feel right' or steady inside. Your body is telling you that you need to help yourself out.

So start learning a few strategies that will replace negative with positive. Running, cycling, dancing, singing, meditation or generally getting creative are great ways to set a positive mental state. Sixty seconds spent breathing deeply, relaxing your shoulders, releasing tension and focusing on your goal can give you a meeting, a morning or even a day of calm, concentration and focus.

Get the body going, the rest will follow
You may not feel great, but 'pretending' that you do with some positive body language can be the start of something good. Look up, smile, pull your shoulders back, sit up straight or even stand up... These are movements that open up the chest and let the air in. They remove constrictions around the throat, neck and spine and give you a sense of being stronger and more in control.

You may also notice that there are specific gestures or postures that work really well for you. I find that pressing my fingertips lightly together gives me a sense of self connection. I don't really know why, except that, for me, it's a metaphor for self-reliance and focus. I also find that standing with my feet shoulder-width apart rather than together makes me feel steadier, not just physically but mentally too.

Ask a friend to watch you as you talk about something you're passionate about and tell you afterwards what they noticed about the gestures you use – and the next time you want to feel that same enthusiasm or recapture that passion, use those gestures again and notice what happens. You could even try exaggerating them slightly.

By getting curious about your own body, you not only engage in a more fulfilling dialogue with yourself but also tap into a world of physical resources that can literally change the way you experience your world.

_Is stress getting the better of you?
Are you in the right job?
Why isn't that diet working?
Is it love you're really feeling?
Are you missing something in your life?
Do you trust your own judgement? Are you sure?

Ask yourself these kinds of questions and your ingenious mind will come up with a number of possible answers and then it's a simple, rational process of deciding which one to...

Oh, but hang on – what happens if you don't have the clear-cut facts to help you make the call? What happens if emotions are getting in the way of rationale? What happens if you can't see the wood for the trees?

_Unfortunately, even the greatest mind isn't all it's cracked up to be. It ebbs and flows with the restlessness of oceans. Ask it to be quiet and it will whip up a violent storm of objections in the form of thoughts, doubts, frustrations and questions. It will race ahead into imaginings of the future, or hold back, tangling itself in memories and past experiences. Rarely does it rest peacefully and freely in the moment and give you the respite you need to see Now for what it really is.

Our body is the only part of us that is constantly, tangibly present on this earth, in the moment. It is the literal flesh and blood of our existence. If we don't inhabit it fully but choose instead to live in our heads, we miss out on the powerful, full-bodied experience of being human – the HD version of our lives.

And think about it - a High Definition TV has got a lot going for it:

• Vastly improved picture clarity with sharper images.
• Stunning colours and textures.
• Signals broadcast with surround sound.
• Incredible depth of field and image quality
• Internet connectivity means you can connect with friends and family as never before...

So what would it be like to live your life with the same clarity and focus?

What would it be like to be totally immersed in the vivid colours and textures of Now and not be distracted by a past you can't change or a future that may never exist?

What would it be like to know broader horizons and have a deeper understanding and appreciation of each moment as you live it?

What would it be like to connect with others as never before?

All this becomes possible when we stop ignoring our bodies and start listening instead. After all, isn't it the least we deserve – to listen to ourselves?

Become aware of the sensations within. How do you feel right now? How comfortable? How energised? How full? How warm? How stimulated? On a scale of 1-10, how happy?

Breathe deeply and let your body not your mind do the talking. It bypasses the judgements, criticism and assumptions of the brain and puts you in direct communication with:

• gut instincts and intuition that keep you safe and well and help you make great decisions
• heartfelt passions that will guide your career, your relationships and your future in the most fulfilling direction
• the creativity to express yourself fully
  
• self-awareness and emotional connectivity that will tell you a diet is about more than food and long-term stress relief doesn't involve propping up the bar again...

Being in the moment will give you your Now. The very latest HD version.

What springs to mind when you think of a working like a woman?

I'd really like to know, because last week, I had an intriguing introduction to what could be at The Great British Business Show - and, to quote a nearest and dearest, it's all gone bit woo woo...

Rachel Elnaugh, founder of Red Letter Days and one of TV's Dragons, was talking about her new venture, Imago People TV.  This new business is growing, in part, through what she describes as the magic of collaboration, positive vibrational energy, intention and working in a 'heart-centred' way. These are all qualities firmly rooted, she says, in the feminine - the polar opposite of forecasts and spreadsheets, a traditionally 'masculine' approach.

Rachel's stand was certainly the most creative space in the building - more like a tent with white drapes, soft cushions, a golden buddha and incense drifting lazily into the air – and I asked myself how delegates would have felt if that feminine spirit had infiltrated the rest of the building, ransacking the regimented rows of grey, green and purple-branded stands and knocking the  army of smartly dressed, over-eager leaflet wavers into a more comfortable position on the floor.

As it was, in that environment, it was a strange experience hearing someone talk about working with their inner goddess as a strategy for success. I've been to workshops like that, but never one where anyone was wearing a suit. It felt like a collision of two very different worlds and, I wonder, when the dust from the impact settles, what might have the potential to emerge?

In my opinion, flow in life, be it business or pleasure related, doesn't come from purely masculine or feminine, but rather the combined complementary harmonies of both, equal and opposite, yin and yang. Rachel hadn't ditched the spreadsheets, but she's overlaid them with something more creative and intangible - a faith in the power of something indefinable that she described as magical.

I'm excited by people who question, who are curious, who are prepared to embrace a different perspective – in the words of Anita Roddick, 'open structures that challenge accepted thinking' are the way forwards.

I am also optimistic about the doors that might be opened for both sexes if we create a working environment that stands for creativity, communication, compassion, nurturing the fulfilment of personal potential and the opportunity to invest in long-term, successful collaborations. It's kinder, more human, more congruent with the higher qualities we hold most dear.

In this female business landscape, transparency and openess are key, along with empathy, sensitivity and gentleness – powerful, self-affirming qualities. There's no place here for hidden agendas, ego trips, manipulation and power play – and there's the rub. These 'feminine' organisations can only truly succeed in the spirit in which they were conceived if those involved are genuinely walking their talk.

When it's all about money, the end justifies the means, but if we choose to operate within a heart-centred business, and then fail to embody those innately positive qualities or knowingly subvert them, the backlash has far greater moral and even spiritual implications.

In fact, for anyone working in the realms of energy, intention, intuition and 'magic', it's not out of the ball park to say that undermining those rules is akin to corrupting some fundamental universal principles. Of course, by the same token, you can expect the karmic repercussions to be considerable, but only after integrity has been trampled underfoot or sold to the highest bidder.

And maybe that's just business - but do we want it to be? And if we don't, who do we want to be writing the new rule book?

I want to tell you a story – one I originally heard from the rather brilliant Ken Robinson about a little girl in a drawing class.

She was 6, at the back of the room and the kind of little girl who rarely paid attention – but in this particular lesson she did.

The teacher was fascinated and went over to her and asked, "What are you drawing?" and the girl said, "I'm drawing a picture of God."

"But nobody knows what God looks like."

And the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Why am I telling you this? Because it's a beautiful example of creativity with 100% conviction - the free-ranging potential of an untethered mind. Imagine that!

For children, imagination has room to roam. As we get older, we become aware of expectations, conventions and appropriate ways of behaving. We understand the ways of the world and start to feel embarrassed, shy or try to fit in – or purposely go against the flow out of anger, defiance or frustration rather than naturally and peacefully doing things differently.

Limitations and restrictions start creeping into the picture and put imagination into a self-conscious stranglehold, squashing the creativity that Ken Robinson believes is so vital – and he echoes Einstein who said: "Knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution".

However, we start thinking, rationalising, theorising and are respected for our maturity and sensible approach. The unpredictable, inflammatory, touchy feely imagination gets shunted into second place.

Of course, the world is not devoid of awe-inspiring creativity and self-expression – there are many people writing, composing, painting, filming, dancing, designing and sculpting amazing works of art - and creativity doesn't begin and end in the world of the artist either.

It can play a vital role in business, in negotiations and problem solving, in bringing up children, building and maintaining deep and satisfying relationships and creating a life that honestly and totally fulfils you...

Time for more creativity in your life?

The imagination of a child doesn't disappear. When we're in tune with our passions, our bodies, our selves, creativity follows as a natural impulse. There's no need to force it or be something you're not.

When Michelangelo was asked how he was able to create such beautiful sculptures, he replied that the sculpture was in the block of stone from the very beginning, he just had to chisel away everything else around it.

It's the same with our creativity. So what could you chip away to let yours shine?

It might be a limiting belief you have about yourself, an assumption you're making about a situation or simply the fact that you haven't given your creativity the time and space it needs to work its magic.

So why not get curious – and imagine what would happen if you did...

Image from: http://esquaredfashion.co.za/2009/04/20/springleap-the-creative-child-of-the-power-of-imagination/

I got an email today from the Advertising Standards Authority inviting me to a public debate entitled Too much, too young: Are advertisers sexualising childhood? It's a question that needs to be answered, inside and outside the ad break…

Kids have always been exposed to sexual imagery, although now it seems more commonplace and explicit than before. Our fears lie in the fact that we know that the constant repetition of certain images or scenes creates a benchmark for normal behaviour - and kids do copy what they see…

But as a child, you don't process sexual images the way an adult would. Kids watched Saturday morning Tiswas for the custard pies, fathers watched it for Sally James in a tight t-shirt. Our frame of reference is different and a lot of the sexual images that adults are aware of go over a child's head.

However, children are also drawn to things of a sexual nature. They track them down on parents' book shelves, in bottom draws and in secret stashes of magazines. Perhaps you remember your own childhood curiosity, particularly once puberty kicked in? Children are sexual beings too, even if we don't like it and they don't understand it...

However, it's confusing and potentially frightening if their curiosity is too easily answered by readily available footage of hard-core gang bangs.

Our children live in a sexualised world - that horse has bolted and we can't force the contents of Pandora's box back inside. This means that yes, we should try and limit their access to scenes of an inappropriately sexual nature (who decides what is inappropriate is a separate debate) but we must also give them a context for everything that will inevitably slip - or be pushed - through the net.

They need to be able find a comfortable level of understanding for what they see, separate fact from fiction and get the information they need to make the right choices about their own bodies. 

Because there's no clear, consistent and thorough approach to sex education, there's a randomness about the scraps of knowledge our young people are accumulating.

In one of my research groups earlier this year, a number of the Year 9 group had picked up on a 'fact': women are extra horny (sic) three days of the month. That was it. There was no context for this and no sense of when those three days might be. It was a mysterious and somewhat perplexing half truth.

This is the kind of thing that doesn't necessarily get covered in sex ed - one of a thousand little questions that may not even get vocalised - and really, it's not such a difficult question to answer, is it?

Of course, other issues are more complicated. Addressing the fact that most of those 13 and 14 year olds had watched porn on their mobile phones is one example - but you know what? We can't pretend it's not happening.

If we don't step in and give them guidance, support and information, they will be getting their knowledge from pornography, music videos, tabloid newspapers and magazines that seem to have put gender equality on the back burner - and aren't at all reticent when it comes to shouting about their own particular brand of full frontal, objectifying and often misogynistic sex. These voices desperately need a counterbalance.

Our young people should be able to join a dialogue that raises the profile of respect, self-awareness and positive body image. They should be hearing a voice that talks about freedom from stereotypes, freedom of expression and freedom to be physical when you're ready for it, in a way that feels comfortable, safe and exciting. Yes - exciting. Because if you're going to be having sex, shouldn't it be the best sex possible?

We should be encouraging their questions, giving them a forum to learn with honest answers that aren't full of prime time or late night sensationalism and misplaced embarrassment.

How do you really know when you're ready for sex?
What should sex feel like?
How do you become a great lover?
Is my body 'normal'?
Sex hurts. What should I do?

We need to answer those questions - and many more besides.

Parents need advice on how to raise the subject and discuss it with their children. It's not an easy thing to do because when we get into the real nitty gritty of sex, it is all about emotions, beliefs, and very subjective, personal experiences.

Teachers need the support and training that will give them the confidence to provide sex education that ticks all the boxes - something they didn't necessarily sign up for.

And finally, we all need to remember that sex can be the most powerful, unifying, beautiful, passionate, loving experience on the planet - and who's telling our kids that?

The women's glossy magazine market: shiny page after shiny page of life as women know it. It gives us lifestyles to aspire to, some strong, powerful, successful female role models and plenty of helpful hints about the best way to orgasm, create a meal using in-season veg and holiday like the world's sexiest celebs.

It gives us a way to find out what other women are up to, what they have achieved and how they manage to look 10 years younger than they really are - without plastic surgery (although you know that's a quick-fix option too, right?). 

It gives a voice to those who know what it's like to lose a child/a husband/a job/their sanity and then rediscover love/purpose/their spiritual self/their mission in life or their ability to create interesting, stylish interiors.

There is much to be said for feeling connected, knowing that we're not alone, that others have experienced our problems and come out the other side, happier and stronger. The magazine world is about fighting our corner, standing up for who we are, how we live, what we believe in.

But while the words may give us one story, the images do something different. Flawless model perfection and fat-free celebrity thighs lurk around the editorial that urges us to love our bodies - and that flood of images repeats the same question over and over again: Are YOU measuring up as a woman? And if not, what are you going to do about it? 

Am I over-egging the pudding here? I mean, with all that positive lifestyle stuff, surely we're OK? We can't be knocked off balance by a few fashion shoots and some celebrity gossip - can we? And yet strangely, we are...

The average woman spends 31 years of her life trying to lose weight – and those involved in this multi-million pound diet industry are happy to give her all the support she wants (although clearly not the kind of support that actually works. 31 years? That's quite a diet plan!)

Then there are beauty products and, according to Vogue, "the pursuit of beauty has never been so easy". (Pursuit rather than achievement.) Helpfully, they also provide the model standard we should aspire to...

Of course, we recognise digital jiggery pokery when we see it, but on a subconscious level, is that what we're really thinking about when we look at those sylph-like, ethereal creatures with artificially-lengthened limbs? 

It's known that the more we see something, the more it becomes the norm - and for that reason, those images do more than sell clothes.

So when teenagers are bombarded with images of how their bodies are 'supposed' to look and they haven't even fully developed yet, when children are dressed up as adults and used to sell clothes to grown women who now, apparently, should aspire to having the body and face of an adolescent; when beauty is something we are told we achieve through what we buy rather than who we are, it becomes apparent that by giving this glossy space too much credence, women allow themselves to be sold horribly short (or fat, or lumpy or just not beautiful enough) because we don't look like someone else.

As a result, we waste ridiculous amounts of energy, consciously and subconsciously, focusing on what we're not – energy that could go elsewhere, into something positive, rather than twisting inwards like a knife in the gut. 

However, we live in a culture that's big on aesthetics. We like to smooth out rough edges, laughter lines, bulges and stretch marks. 

Only 3%* of women in the UK are totally happy with their body - 90% actually get depressed because of it - but if every woman understood, accepted and loved herself (just as she is) and focused on eating for health and vitality not weight loss – what could we do with all that energy, liberated from its 31 years of imprisonment? I wonder - how might our world and our lives be different? 

* Figure taken from a recent survey by REAL magazine.

Don't play with knives I was told as a child and, even today, my mother's voice still echoes vaguely in the back of my mind whenever I start slicing vegetables: 'Careful, it's sharp!'

Of course now this is always mentally followed up by, 'Yes, yes, I know it is', with the absolute certainty of an adult who knows her way around a knife block. However, in spite of this, I recently sliced the end of my thumb off while chopping up an onion.

Nothing had to be sewn back on and it's healing now, but for the last few weeks, I've had to work around it, being careful not to knock it on anything because if I did, it really hurt...

It's reminded me how big an impact one little thing can have on the rest of your life. All the other parts of my body have been working just fine, but that thumb has caused no end of problems in its own small way.

People assume that they need a life coach when they're falling apart, when everything has gone wrong, when they're utterly broken and need fixing. 

Actually, in most cases, it's more subtle. It's about working with someone to sort out their metaphorical thumb – the one small part of themselves that's stopping them doing and being all they want to be. 

Of course they're functioning just fine with that aspect of themselves being out of whack, but - wow! How much easier life becomes when they don't need to operate in that permanent state of work around!

I believe that life coaching often involves making the little changes that can create wider  horizons, open out possibilities and allow you to notice what suddenly becomes possible that wasn't before.

Our bodies are clever – they automatically compensate for our weaknesses. When one muscle or joint is under-performing, others take over - but after a while, we tend to feel other aches and pains as a result of being out of line and off balance. 

Like a chiropracter, a life coach is about realigning, rebalancing and helping you perform in a way that reduces stress. It allows you to be more effective, to move more effortlessly, and yes, sometimes to let go of pain.

So what's your metaphorical thumb? What's holding you back and making you compensate and work around?

And one final question - if you could change one small thing about the way you do things today, what would it be? 

I used to be a ballet dancer. Not a good one. Someone's mother said, aged 6, I had wings on my heels, which sounded nice - but when it came to official recognition, I sat heavily and consistently in the average garden. 

The examiner would give us a complicated French word to turn into movement and I hesitated to see what the other girls did first, in case I got it wrong. I was a natural follower, because I didn't want to make mistakes. Then, movement came second to words and the need to be right.

Now I dance the tango and I'm supposed to follow. It's an exercise in switching off my head, my thoughts, the words that put a degree of separation between me and the experience. The movement still comes second, but now it follows a feeling – the impulse and energy of the lead.

The tango is a lesson in allowing myself the freedom to find an almost meditative space of being in my body, without a running commentary of self-critical mind chatter – You didn't do that very well... You've done it wrong... You'll never be good enough... 

To dance, I have to trust myself and the lead I get from my partner. It's sometimes frustrating and challenging. It can also be beautiful – a flow of two bodies in the same moment. That's the part I aspire to - with the desire of that little girl who wanted to feel those wings on her heels. It's also the embodiment of rapport, subtle communication and consideration between two people. It's about interpreting music together. 

I often make mistakes, but you have to learn and swiftly move on.  That foot out of place is a moment gone and if I dwell on it, I mess up the two or three that follow. And when do those mistakes happen most frequently? When I stop trusting myself and what I'm feeling.

I have to give myself fully to the process and commit to it. If I hang on to indecision and doubt, the next step I take lacks conviction - and if I can't be wholehearted about myself, my dance partners experience only part of what I could be.

The tango is an invitation to connect with someone else, to be a part of their world and to share my own. I choose - or not - to accept, because although I'm a follower, I have my own space, my own boundaries and my own sense of self. I also have to keep my own balance.  

I can enter into this relationship with a sense of pride, confidence, strength and passion or I can be small, apologetic and mouse-like – which would you rather be?

Of course there's so much more to learn and hours to be spent on the dance floor to give my movements the confidence I want them to have, but in the meantime, I just have to forgive myself for my weaknesses, give myself credit for what I do best and enjoy the dance, wherever it takes me. 

Image gratefully borrowed from visualvamp.wordpress.com

It's a woman's thing, crying. Of course we don't hold the monopoly, but our hormones and even the structure of our eyes make us more prone than men. Given that emotional tears also contain a hormone that is a natural painkiller, you might as well call them a biological imperative – but in spite of that, tears are liquid loaded with issues.

We watch them with fascination on TV, from quiz shows and the X Factor to documentaries, and we shared grief as a nation without really knowing why at the death of Diana – and it was as if then it became OK to go public with our tears, the first time since the war demanded that we pack up our troubles and keep them quiet and dry.

But there are still so many occasions when 'Keep calm and carry on' seems to linger on in our collective national consciousness – those moments when crying has the power to make us and others extremely uncomfortable, embarrassed or even angry. It seems to happen among smaller groups, or one to one, when there's no distance or crowd of people around to soften the impact. Then we're required to confront them and deal with the emotions that lay behind them.   

Of course the big events in life warrant emotional outpourings – births, weddings, funerals – but for other 'lesser' issues, tears are often seen as a weakness or vulnerability, as being soft, overly emotional or sensitive, hormonal, losing control or they prompt the question, can she (or he) really cope? 

A friend recently told me how she'd cried in front of her manager – and how bad that made her feel. Her fear was that he would think she just wasn't strong enough. And yet she's an incredibly capable, intelligent, resourceful, passionate woman who really cares about what she does. But her tears made her question herself – and not the environment within which she was trying to operate, or her manager, which might have been a better place to start. 

But it's true, rightly or wrongly, crying can have a huge impact on the way others see us and indeed how we see and feel about ourselves. 

There's a moment in the final Harry Potter saga when the tears of a dying man are used to create images of the past, his memories, his life. And that's all real tears ever are – the sum of our experiences, good and bad, a little bit of who we are. They reflect our deepest values – and when they've been violated or upset. 

Crying tells a story. Often when words are inadequate or can't be found or we're incapable of expressing what the heart is feeling, it's tears that speak louder than words and offer the kind of release that vowels and consonants just can't. And then crying is our greatest ally - and that's when I'm glad to be a woman.

Men draw the short straw. In many ways, a woman's tears are more easily accommodated, but because it is seen as a female trait, crying without a decent life or death reason can cast a question mark over the very quality of masculinity. Hardly seems fair. On either sex. I'd like to think there will be a time when being compared to a woman isn't seen as a way of insulting a man...

However, I'm amazed at the male constitution, the nature or the nurture of it, that allows some men to withstand the most upsetting, difficult or moving moments without the merest hint of eye mist.  

I on the other hand cry quite a lot. Sometimes when I talk about something I'm passionate about, I can feel my eyes filling up with the emotion of what I'm feeling. My conviction shows. It's just how I am. 

But there are as many kinds of tears as their are emotions – as a child we cry when we're lonely or afraid, we cry over the bumps and bruises of growing up and when we're older, the pain of relationships ending that can be so great we want to crawl out of our own skin. And of course there are tears of happiness too, of joy, of pleasure – a literal spilling over of good feelings.

Crying can also be about letting go, and rather than being accompanied by wrenching sobs, those tears just flow quietly, washing away stress and tension and bringing relief, peace and a deeper connection with yourself. 

So why would anyone want to hold them back? Maybe it will make people uncomfortable from time to time, if they happen to catch you in a moment, but I think that emotion should be allowed to flow freely and if that means tears, well, bring it on. 

Swallowing down those kind of feelings can choke us if we don't find another way of letting them go and ultimately, the big important ones won't go away anyway, not really. And that's another thing about tears, you can build up a backlog, an ocean waiting, needing, wanting to be cried.

But when emotion flows freely, it allows you to move beyond it, through it, past it and then it doesn't define us, any more than our tears do.

Image shown: "Larmes Tears", by Man Ray